American Horror Story: Roanoke Chapter two
Original air date September 21st, 2016
Hawaiian BBQ anyone?
“I didn’t think it could get any worse.”
It can always get worse, way to jinx yourself.
THE FOLLOWING STORY IS INSPIRED BY TRUE EVENTS
This season in lieu of the of the theme song, we get highlights of what’s to come for the Millers (Matt and Shelby) in the “interviews” and the “dramatic re-enactments”. Oh no! The unplugged phone is ringing…gasp! I am still in love with this season’s format. I predict paranormal investigators are going to show up in a few episodes.
Chapter two takes place where we left off last week with the dramatic re-enactment of Shelby lost in the woods. It is our first look at Lady Gaga: she’s hissing and holding a freshly minted scalp (Presumably she is making a new dress for next year’s Emmys). Hillbilly couture, so hot. There is running and screaming (Shelby of course). Kathy Bates–her character has yet to be named–is holding court and some messed up shenanigans are going down. Is she casting a spell? Are these the ghosts of hillbillies past? Or is it their weekly game of pin the pigtail on the deserter?
Ahhh…. A moment of quiet. Shelby’s Patronus appears. Thankfully the doe is okay, I really was expecting it to go another way.
“I never thought what could be in the wilderness, hiding in the dark.”
Why the heck not? The inherent creepiness of the woods is what has spawned so many scary stories. I have often thought about what is hiding in the wilderness–maybe because I saw the Evil Dead movies and the Friday the Thirteenth series as a young child. This “purification” of the deserter is certainly not making me feel like camping any time soon. Is this how werepigs are made? Kathy Bates sees Shelby and orders her minions to get her. Thankfully Shelby finally finds the road and is almost run over by Lee.
This is a great ad for Nissan: “When you want to run over your sister-in-law, but you are already kind of in trouble–our anti-lock brakes will keep you both safe.”
Of course the police don’t believe her (They never do in these stories). There is no proof of human sacrifice or hillbilly shindig to be found. If nothing else, these hoodlums know how to clean. Shelby is convinced it was an elaborate hoax executed by the Polk family. I know when I get mad at my neighbors, I put on Universal Halloween Horror Nights quality productions to scare them off; who doesn’t? That is much more rational than believing there are some crazies in the woods doing freaky shit.
Lee’s daughter shows up to spend the weekend. I am sure this will be a great weekend: kids love haunted houses. Right off the bat, Flora is talking to someone that no one else can see. An imaginary friend named Priscilla (I am sure there will be more to this later). Lee chalks it up to the divorce and as Flora seeking attention. Really? Just like cops never listening, parents never listen to their kids. Priscilla is tired of all the blood. Sorry Priscilla, this is only episode two of the season–there is going to be a lot more blood. Flora said she was going to get a bonnet from Priscilla and, lo and behold, a bonnet comes flying through the window in the other room. Explain that Lee.
Night has fallen, weird noises are back. Shelby is angry and not going to take it anymore. She will not be bullied. To prove this, she gets lost in the woods, again. Will someone clear some walk ways for her? Shelby and Matt reunite to see pig parts roasting on an open fire and stick-figures nipping at their nose. Mmm-hmm, Shelby got fierce on the police. Now they have twenty-four-hour protection. I have a feeling everything’s going to be alright from now on. Nope.
Matt wakes to hear the phone ringing. Not his cell, the land line. Uh-oh, this was in the beginning of the episode. It is a call from the other side. This is not a telemarketer.
“Help, they are trying to kill me.”
This leads Matt to see the phone is in fact not plugged in and there is movement in the next room. A murder scene between two young nurses and an older woman plays out if front of Matt. This feels very reminiscent of season one of AHS. What other grizzly acts have transpired here? What else is the house hiding? Evan Peters? Matt “must be dreaming”–something must have happened to him during his attack in LA.
When the police come in….yep….nothing. I don’t know, Matt and Shelby must not be movie buffs. Poltergeist, scared me. Big trees right outside my window, nope. Clown dolls casually chillin’ in a chair in my room, nope. Two nurses shooting an old lady and graffiti spray painting the wall in the middle of my den, that’s a big nope. I feel you can always make more money. Matt is employed, not with a bad job. He might not get to retire as early as he would like. I would make it work and be out of there faster than a crazy, inbred hillbilly bet I could “squeal like a pig.”
But then we wouldn’t have a scary story. I have an inkling the police protection isn’t going to last. Everyone is focused on the Polks, and Shelby and Matt are being labeled as kooks. Lee is right there with me. She has other things to worry about. Lee and Mason (Lee’s ex-husband) find Flora talking in a little storage closet: turns out they are all going to die. Little Flora will be saved for last. Mason does the right thing and hightails it out of there, swearing Flora is never coming back to that house. Good call Mason, you are smart. You probably won’t live.
Lee’s fragile sobriety is gone. She is drunk and fumbling around the kitchen. She breaks a bowl. Shelby thinks the knives sticking out of the ceiling were Lee’s doing as well. (People love to toss knives in the air when drunk it is a known fact). Matt puts Lee to bed and the Murderous nurses watch over her. Awww, that is so sweet of them. Lee will be fine, just fine.
Shelby and Matt spot a little girl out in the yard, she is wearing a bonnet, I am guessing it is Priscilla. They follow her out there and find an old root cellar. Did they not look around their property at all? I know it is ten acres but this is right outside their house.
Lee’s blackout is interrupted when she sees the nurses standing at the foot of her bed. She gets up wanders down the hallway and sees pigtails (the actual animal tail, not the hairstyle) nailed to the wall and they are moving and squealing. Just kidding they are gone now, but here comes the werepig. Nope he is gone too.
Lee’s face says it all. This is when a choice needs to be made: drink more or go back to bed. For Lee’s sake I hope she goes back to bed and this was a one-time slip. I am rooting for her.
Matt and Shelby think the little girl is part of the Polk clan and is out there to lure them into a trap. So what do they do? They go out alone and find an old school video camera (not a trap) in the cellar. I do want to point out (as last week I had issues with this) Matt used the flashlight on his phone. We are making some progress.
Looking less like Liz and more like a mountain-man, actor Denis O’Hare makes his appearance as Dr. Elias Cunningham on the video recording. He is a professor that moved there in 1997 to write a true crime novel. He tells the tale of the two nurses that ran an assisted-living home out of the farm house. They murdered people based on names, spelling out “Redrum”–wait no, “Murder”. But something happened before they could get to the last letter. Something more evil got to them. A big bad we haven’t seen yet! What could it be? The video continues as Dr. Cunningham goes into the house looking for the big bad. Grainy and blurry, but it does sort of look like Kathy Bates nabs him. Then, bang, bloody cleaver lodged in Matt and Shelby’s front door, hmm….foreshadowing.
Matt does some DIY, removing wallpaper way easier than should be possible. That stuff does not like to come off, for the love of all that is right in the world, please never decorate with wallpaper. Revealed are the letters: “MURDE” it is all true!!!! Run, run away or go to the bank and demand a refund. Too bad, Shelby and Matt bought the house “as-is”.
Now let’s add some kidnapping. Lee brings Flora back to the house. Just when I was rooting for you, way to make Constance Langdon look like mother of the year. I get it Lee; you miss your kid. If she is so important tell Shelby and Matt “peace” and go home. You just saw a werepig, creepy nurses and think hillbillies are after your family. Why oh why would you bring her there?!?!. Flora is left alone in the other room…..uh-oh…..yep there she goes. Flora is last seen looking at Priscilla through the window. She can’t be found in the house. Can’t find her outside, the only trace of her: her yellow hoodie high in a tree.
There are so many questions. Where the heck did Flora go? Why was the hoodie up a tree? Does Matt still have the cameras up? Who are Cathy, Lady and Wes? Ghosts? Polks? Cos-players? What happens to Dr. Cunningham? He loves to dramatically cut scene on his videos, but is he dead? When will Roanoke play a part? Do I even miss the opening theme song? Kind of, but I don’t think it would work in the style of this season.
Things I do know: I know how to use google. The story of the nurses is a true story based on two nurses that fell in love and decided to kill old people back in 1987. Roanoke is the “Lost Colony”, and no one really know what happened to the settlers. The settlement was established on Roanoke island right off the North Carolinian shore. It is about three hours from Raleigh. So the farmhouse might be between the two?
Here are some of my theories: Priscilla took Flora to protect her. At least, that is what I am hoping. I have no faith that Mason is going to make it out of this season alive. I don’t see him doing any interviews. The pigtails nailed up everywhere are some kind of spell;for what I don’t know. Maybe it keeps the werepig (or werepigs) in their piggy form. I don’t think the Polks have anything to with what is happening, as they were only in that one scene. I am sure they will crop up again. But I am hoping they are the ones to save the day. In the style of Mountain Monsters. Only time will tell.