Agents of SHIELD Season 3 Episode 16 – “Paradise Lost”

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Have you ever thought, “Man, I really wonder what happened in this evil, old white man’s past to make him so evil?” Well the writers of Agents of SHIELD apparently did and so this week we get a glimpse into evil, old white man Gideon Malick’s past to find out just how he became such an evil, old white man. Hint: Daddy issues.

 

Screenshot_2016-04-13-07-58-32-640x355We literally open at Malick’s father’s funeral, and thus the Daddy Issues begin. Apparently Old Man Malick brought his sons Gideon and Nathaniel up as occultist Hydra-monster worshippers, following the time honored tradition of human sacrifice to the gooey space rock as practiced by crazy old Medieval times guys (see first half of season 3). But not everyone likes this weirdo religiosity. Luckily, we can always count on the Nazis to be the voice of reason within Hydra (read: sarcasm). Our old (and I mean old) pal Daniel Whitehall creepily summons the two young Malick gents to his creepy prison and reveals to them that their father was in fact… a coward! Dun dun DUN! Turns out Daddy Malick had been cheating the system, and for some reason didn’t want to get sucked into outer space as a sacrifice to some shadowy space demon. Huh.

 

Back in the present, Malick is still freaking out about his vision of death from the previous episode. He runs home and admits to his daughter, who is surprisingly well-adjusted for a third generation Hydra cultist, that his vision was of his own death at the hands (or rather, tentacles) of their esteemed space demon, Hive. Hive has, in fact, shown up unannounced at the Malick home and invited the whole creepy cult for a pow-wow. I’m glad that at this point Malick can tell things are not going well for him. So Ward-Hive shows up, makes some creepy passes at Malick’s admittedly beautiful daughter, and reveals that he still retains the memories of all of his previous hosts, including… Malick’s brother Nathaniel! Dun dun DUN! Turns out ol’ Gideon took after Daddy and cheated his way out of being sacrificed too. Unfortunately, brother Nate got the pick instead, and boy is he still bitter about it. Bitter enough to suck the soul(?) right out of his niece. “Suck on that sacrifice, bro.” Mic drop. Yes, that’s what happened, you can’t tell me otherwise.

 

So while Malick is having his boo-hoo sob story revealed, so is another of my least favorite additions to the cast. Yes that’s right, Lincoln’s sad sack anger issues are revealed! Dun dun… actually no, it wasn’t even worth the false excitement. Here’s what happens.

 

Lincoln and Daisy fly to the midwest to hunt down a bitter Australian redneck who lives in a trailer surrounded by landmines… who previously lived in Afterlife with Lincoln. This guy never got his powers so he’s bitter. Boo-hoo. But he did steal some weird alien stuff from Jiaying before getting the boot from Inhuman mountain cult heaven, so he’s useful to Lincoln and Daisy. Unfortunately for Lincoln, fake-Wolverine mentions some stuff about Lincoln’s past girlfriend almost dying, which is apparently enough for Daisy to intervention him and force him to tell her the whole story. Turns out Lincoln has always been just as lame and boring and whiny as he is now. Before finding out he was an Inhuman, Lincoln was a depressed alcoholic who crashed his car while under the influence and his girlfriend almost died. Dun. Dun. Dun…

 

shield-paradise-lincolnLook, I try really hard not to hate on storylines or characters, but Lincoln is just so lame and he’s bringing Daisy down with him. Please, give him something more interesting to do or kill him soon so I don’t have to suffer through his man-pain any longer. It’s just a tired plotline and not up to par with the rest of the show’s writing at all. I keep hoping he’ll turn a corner and I thought he had started moving in the right direction during his mission with Coulson a few weeks ago, but alas. He’d serve a much better purpose by dying and adding to Daisy’s lady-pain instead.

 

Anyways, some cool stuff did happen in this episode that had nothing to do with man-pain or Daddy issues (thank God). Coulson, May, Mack, Fitz and Simmons do some super sleuthing to find out what Malick’s hostile takeover of some company or other has to do with anything and they run into… Giyera! Dun dun DUN! For those of you who didn’t know, the cool asian Inhuman dude who can move things with his mind, aka Hive’s right hand man, actually has a name, and it is Giyera. This is literally the first time I’ve heard them call him by a real name. So now we know. Giyera, played by the amazing martial artist and actor Mark Decascos, goes up against Agent May, played by the amazing martial artist and actor Ming Na Wen, http---img.vidible.tv-prod-2016-04-13-570e8fe0e4b0e7e35778f72c_o_F_v1in a totally boss martial arts fight scene that should be reprised as often as humanly possible. The team captures Giyera and traps him in one of those little white Inhuman containment pods for a little while until he busts out because he’s awesome and he don’t have time for this silly business. He’s got top tier henchman duties to carry out, and a plane full of SHIELD agents to take down with him.

 

Coulson now goes through a bit of man-pain himself, though much more warranted and relevant to the plot. Now that Hive is out there traipsing around in a Grant Ward meatsuit, Coulson realizes that his decision to kill Ward with his bare (detachable) hand was perhaps not one he should’ve made. He and Fitz have a brief heart to heart cum debate over the morality of straight up murdering Ward on a distant planet and Coulson decides this whole Hive thing is basically karma (which basically, it is).

 

Drawing ever closer to the end of the season, things are coming to a head. Coulson and the team are taken hostage by Giyera, and Daisy and Lincoln are the only ones left to save them. Or are they? Time to call… the Secret Warriors! Dun dun DUN! (Yes, there were a lot of cheesy dramatic moments in this episode, thus I will use these duns until the end!) They will be coming together against Hive soon, despite Daisy’s vision of one of them dying (crossing my fingers for Lincoln!). Hive and Malick are making a suicide pact–or rather Hive is making a suicide pact for Malick. “Together til the end” never sounded creepier.

 

Tune in next week to see Elena and Joey come back and grace our screens with their awesomeness!

 

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